Hey Reader,

Happy Tuesday, friends.

Think of someone you've had to deliver difficult news to. Someone whose reaction you couldn't quite predict. Maybe it's a senior stakeholder, or someone on your team. Either way, you know them well enough to know how they receive things can vary depending on the day.

Before that conversation, you probably spent more time than usual thinking about how to frame things. Choosing your words carefully. Picking the right time of day. Maybe even running through a few versions of how it might go.

I’ve been in that position myself, and what I remember most is the anxious feeling before bringing up the conversation. Without realizing it, a huge amount of energy goes into managing someone’s potential reaction before you’ve even opened your mouth.

The harder part to admit is what this might look like on the other end, when you’re the leader. If our team members feel like they have to tiptoe around us, they naturally become more careful. They get more selective about what they say and when they say it. Honesty, creative thinking, and openness start to disappear because people want to feel safe.

And that doesn't stay at work. People carry it home with them, trying to constantly prepare for what might happen the next day. And it’s exhausting.

I bring this up because, as I was working out recently, I had a video in the background of Seth Godin talking about authenticity. He mentioned something that made me stop and write it down (And then, back to the weights!)

He talked about authentic leadership and the idea that we should be honest with ourselves and others on any given day. Of course, being authentic is something the majority of us want, but he pointed out that authenticity can also be what creates the tension and unpredictability we’ve been describing.

If being authentic means showing up however you happen to feel on any given day, then the people around you are absorbing your bad days, often without either of you fully realizing it.

He suggested that instead of leaders striving for authenticity (which varies day-to-day), they should instead aim for consistency. That way, people who depend on you don’t have to wonder how to manage your emotions alongside their work. They’re not constantly chasing a moving target.

I think he's right. And I also think there's a layer underneath that’s worth sitting with.

Consistency can be misread for suppression. You receive information, “process” any emotions, and just squash them down so you appear calm enough to handle the issue. Your feelings don’t go away. They slowly build up until they overflow - often at the worst possible moment.

So instead of reacting emotionally, or swinging the entire other way and becoming robots, what can we do?

The middle ground is to know yourself well enough to create a little space between what you’re feeling and how you respond.

You don’t have to do that alone either. Some of the best conversations we have are with people who know us best. Pull aside a mentor, close colleague, or even your partner for a quick chat and ask them honestly, “When you’ve seen me under pressure, what do you notice?” The answer might be uncomfortable, but it can be eye-opening in ways you might not have noticed alone. And who knows, they might just ask you the same question.

So here’s something to reflect on this week. Think about a recent moment where you felt that pull to react emotionally, or even a moment when you did.

What would it have looked like to give yourself just a little more space in that moment?

What's your experience with the emotional-to-regulated spectrum?

Hit reply and let me know. I read every message.