Hey Reader,

Happy Tuesday, friends.

About ten years ago, a pretty senior partner asked me to lead something for him. I don’t remember exactly what it was but I remember that as he was explaining things to me, there was a growing sense that I wasn’t the right person for this project.

On top of that, my mentor had previously pointed out that I was taking on too much work. Leading one more project would only lead to even more of me stretching myself thin. The advice almost everyone gives for moments like these is to say “no.”

So I did.

I didn’t refuse and just leave it there. I explained the reasons why I made that decision and offered to help find someone who could take it on instead. I thought that was the reasonable way to handle it.

He wasn’t happy about it. He told me I needed to be careful about who I said no to, and made it clear he thought I was making a mistake. I remember walking away wondering if what he said was right.

I went back to my mentor afterward, and explained everything. I was so worried that I’d made a bad call, and that I should have just said yes. They assured me actually I had made the right call. Their support mattered more than I expected it to, because without it I’m not sure if I would’ve kept to my decision.

Many of us have had some version of that situation at some point in our careers. Someone makes a request when you’re already at capacity, or asks you to take on something that genuinely isn’t the right fit for you. And instead of saying no, or even pausing to consider, you automatically said yes. Because “yes” felt like the expected choice, the safe choice.

A lot of the decisions we make, especially at work, where we’re spending the majority of our time and energy, aren’t always made consciously. They’re default reactions. When we’ve been working in a place for years or decades, we fall into a routine of “this is just how things are.” We go along with what’s expected without stopping to think about it.

We never fully grow out of the idea of what saying no might cost us. From early on in our careers (and even lives), we learn that being agreeable signals commitment. Saying yes is just what good team players do. As we progress, we carry that lesson with us. We set more expectations of ourselves and what good leadership should look like, and tie ourselves up in knots trying not to disappoint the people around us.

That guilt we feel around saying no comes from those expectations we carry with us like “I should always be useful” or “I shouldn’t let people down,” and our nervous system treats breaking that rule as genuinely dangerous. Logically, we’re know when something is going to be too much for us. Yet we still say yes because the idea of causing discomfort feels more threatening in the short term.

Those fears aren't irrational. Our brains are genuinely wired to treat social cost as a threat, very similar to physical danger. The problem is that if we let that response make every decision for us, we end up living and working entirely on other people's terms.

I’ve found saying no becomes a bit easier when you’re clear on what you’re protecting, whether it’s your capacity, your focus, your values, or your own judgment. It might still be uncomfortable, but that short-term discomfort saves you from a long-term headache.

And you have to be prepared that not everyone is going to like your decision. Some people will be fine with it. Some, like that senior partner, will let you know they're not. That's part of how it works. And knowing exactly why you’re making a certain decision helps prepare yourself for a potential negative response.

Speaking to a mentor or trusted colleague helps with this a lot. They can look at a situation from the outside and tell you honestly whether you’re making a sound call or talking yourself out of something reasonable. They won’t make the choice for you, but they can hear you out and give that clarity.

Oh, and that project I turned down? I have absolutely no memory of what it was. I wasn’t demoted or ostracized by everyone else. Whatever felt so high-stakes in that moment turned out to be completely inconsequential. He needed someone to do something and I wasn't the right fit. That was it. I gave that interaction far more weight than it ever deserved.

Which makes me wonder how many other times I could have said no, when that’s what was better for me.

Is there a decision you’ve been putting off that you already know the answer to? How are you going to go about it now? Hit reply and let me know. I read every message.